Hollywood Goofs on Computers...

Why does Hollywood always put computer noises into scenes involving computers, even though there should be no noises whatsoever? All of us, including everyone in Hollywood, use a computer every day, and know that computers do not "bloop" and "beep" every time you press the mouse button, yet you still get it wrong. You make so very many computer mistakes, Hollywood, but here are your top three.

MISTAKE #1: THE OBLIGATORY LOADING BAR. 

Every time a computer has a loading bar, which for some reason is every time any request is executed, the bar makes a noise as it loads. Loading bars don't do that. If they did, we would all kill ourselves every time we tried to watch a Flash movie.

As a matter of fact, I can't really think of any application that shows a loading bar. Sure, there are progress bars when I illegally download some of your movies, and happy file icons fly back and forth when I empty the stash of sub-standard pornography dwelling in my recycle bin. When I load some programs, particularly Adobe programs, there is a lengthy progress bar. But those progress bars are silent. Completely silent.

Also, loading bars don't appear every time I double-click an icon. But maybe that's because my life doesn't require a necessary element of suspense.

MISTAKE #2: HACKERS ARE UGLY. 

Why was there a movie called Hackers that featured attractive people? Here's what real-life hackers look like:

Kevin Mitnick                             "Withered Rose"                                    

A real, live female hacker,       Unidentified Teenage Hacker

Susan Thunder

Here's what Hollywood hackers look like:

While we're on the subject of hackers: let's say a movie hacker sits down in a smoky room to do some h4xx0ring. He pulls a laptop from his satchel, sets it on a table, opens it up, and the viewer is greeted with the souless glow of an Apple logo. In the interest of disclosure, I was once a member of the cult of Jobs, but even then I knew better than to believe a hacker would use a Mac. That would be like the black character in a movie not dying first.

MISTAKE #3: THE FAKE OPERATING SYSTEM. 

When HP or Dell or Gateway or Sony sponsors a movie, and every piece of computer equipment in the universe of the film features the company logo, please do not have your graphics guys slap a completely unrealistic and phony operating system onto the 30" LCD with HDMI-in.

Listen, Hollywood: everyone uses Windows, Mac, or Linux. And the GUIs of each OS is basically the same. Why would your mystical operating systems have insanely graphically-intense interfaces, only to take three minutes to save something to a floppy disk via the beeping progress bar?

This computer turns around...

...to reveal this top-secret login screen

Much like the coldness of space is utterly silent, except in movies where it is rich with engine noises, blaster squeals, and fiery explosions, my computer is nearly silent. Occasionally it makes a noise to tell me I broke something, but never when it finishes saving a file or spellchecking.

We all use computers, Hollywood. We know what they're like. Stop trying to ignore the fact that even in the midwest, a place most of you know only from 35,000 feet, people are not as stupid as you think.